Marriage 101 - Lesson #4: Please & Thank You

It has been a while since I last posted in the Marriage Lessons series, although that is not to say I haven't learned anything since August. This most recent lesson is one that my husband actively strives to reinforce on a regular basis and in turn, I've found myself doing the same, so I felt compelled to share it.

The art of "please" and "thank you" is something we are taught from infancy. You can hear your mother's voice in your head reminding you, "how do we ask nicely for what we want?" or "what do you say to the nice lady who gave you that cookie?". However, when we enter our marriages, those simple practices, all too often, fly right out the window. And what a mistake we're making by allowing that to happen!

This past weekend, hubs and I had the honor of hosting an engagement party for our dear friends. The two met, believe it or not, at our wedding, so we feel a particularly special bond to this couple. We were overjoyed to celebrate with them and 25 of their closest friends and family at our home.

In the last year, I've found a passion for cooking, entertaining and homemaking, so I was eager to show off my acquired skills and host this soiree. If you've ever hosted a large get-together at your house (and didn't  have it catered) you know how much work goes into it. There are invitations (hard copy, not Facebook), menu planning, grocery shopping, trips to the liquor store, cleaning and decorating the house, set-up, and of course cooking and presenting the meal. That's not even mentioning the cleanup afterwards and the odd stranger who asks if they can spend the night.

In these high-stress situations, it couldn't be more important than to have your spouse as your ally and yet we know all too well the number of arguments that break out in the days preceding an event like this. We have hosted a few of these parties in our home since moving in last year, so we were fortunate to be able to recognize the tell-tale signs of potential fights and worked to stave them off.

Each time I was tempted to don my I-Know-Best Voice, I quickly changed my tactic knowing he wouldn't respond well. Each time I made a request to pick this up or move that out of the kitchen, I asked calmly and always with a "please". In turn, he responded quickly, knowing that unwelcome clutter in my cooking space would threaten to upset my composure. He anticipated my requests, setting up the bar and running out to get ice without my needing to ask. Each time he completed a task he was met with a "thank you" - and a sincere one at that. I too was thanked repeatedly - he never missed an opportunity to tell me how much he appreciated my hard work.

As a whole, Hubs and I took on our hosting responsibilities as a team. We chose the invites together and printed, stuffed and stamped them at our house (which was most definitely a group effort). We planned the menu together. We went grocery shopping together and split responsibilities of going to the bakery and the liquor store. We cleaned the house together, arranged our wall hangings together and divided jobs like designing the dining room and setting up the bar. All without screaming at, let alone killing each other!

In the hours before the guests arrived, if I ever had a momentary breakdown, he was there to comfort me and help me think through the problem calmly. He asked how he could help. He complimented the food I made and even took time to mention how pretty I looked.

As the night developed, we continued our team approach. He was charming and conversational while I finished cooking. He replenished food and drinks when it was clear I just need five minutes to sit down. He gave a touching toast and I said grace before dinner was served. And he even found time to invite me to dance (even if we were interrupted after just a moment so he could move cars around in the driveway). Our seamless cooperation was noticed by others at the party, and if I'm being honest, it made us both really proud.

Our mission was to throw a memorable engagement party for a couple we care deeply about. The result was something so much more gratifying. We were able to bring glory to God by really living out the blessing of marriage before an audience of people who differed vastly in their opinions of the institution. We felt privileged to be shining a light on one of His most precious gifts and it all started with a "please" and a "thank you".

Life...Imagine the Potential

Disclaimer: I am going out on a limb here...proceed with caution if you care to join me.

In a January 13, 1984 proclamation, President Ronald Reagan designated January 22, 1984 as the first National Sanctity of Human Life Day. The date was chosen to coincide with the 11th anniversary of the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court case that first recognized the constitutionally-protected status of abortion in the United States. Twenty-eight years later, we still observe this important day.

Yesterday, we sat in church listening to our pastor talk about life. I suppose he does that every Sunday, but yesterday he was distinctly reintroducing to us the value of a human life. I respected immensely his cautious, careful approach as he waded into this very emotional topic. Though wrapped in the message of  National Sanctity of Human Life Day and corresponding directly to the issue of abortion, he was able to broaden the conversation to include all life - not restricting it to the sanctity of those yet unborn.

He opened by positing that it is both fortunate and arresting that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and the anniversary of Roe v. Wade fall so close on the calendar. On MLK Day, we are reminded of a time in our nation's history when one human life was, without question, considered more valuable than another, based purely on the color of one's skin. We consistently regarded those who looked and acted differently as a nuisance, a problem that needed dealing with. Today, we unanimously consider such a distinction to be unacceptable, if not barbaric. Those who still cling to antiquated notions of racial inequality exist outside societal norms. The distance we have come as a nation in this regard is both laudable and highly hypocritical.

As a society, and more specifically as women living in this society, we are urged to embrace a "freedom" largely characterized by displaying, and even leveraging, our sexuality. We are taught that sex is ours to enjoy whenever and with whom we please. Those who try to curb this behavior are infringing on our rights. But when the consequences of our reckless freedom yield a result that we are unwilling to accept, we are told that we have a choice, that our bodies are our own, and that an inconvenient problem can be dealt with. Rather than acknowledging that the circumstances we face are the result of choices already made, we survey the landscape for an escape.

Perhaps we haven't come as far as we had thought....some lives are still more important than others.

We are blessed to be the children of God. I re-read that sentence and I am gripped by just how far short it falls from describing how treasured we are in God's sight. It is a realization worth taking the time to consider. As my pastor put it, God had the opportunity, and most certainly the motivation, to destroy us when we brought sin into His paradise. And yet...

Wow. Just those two words, "And yet..." - how much potential they hold, how much grace.

And yet we were rescued from certain despair, an eternity apart from God, by the redeeming love of Christ. We were given the breath of life, the freedom from sin through salvation. We were adopted back into His family, into His Kingdom, blameless and pure in His sight. How then can we condemn the lives of others, failing to give the innocent among us the same opportunity to know the joy of being adopted into a loving family? Similarly, how are we to view those "inconvenient people", the nuisances in our lives, as anything but brothers and sisters, worthy and deserving of our love?

When you live and work in New York City, a place brimming with inconvenient people, it is convicting to be reminded of how Jesus lived. Jesus never ran with the "in crowd". He didn't pick and choose who was deserving of His truth based on their social status, their skin color, or their well-groomed appearance. In fact, He gravitated towards those on the margin of society. It was through the "least of these" that His transforming message of love was revealed. And as children of God, we are called to live as He did.

It is a challenge - believe me, I know. All you have to do is step out of the quiet safety of your home and onto the subway to allow your passion for others and your respect for life to disintegrate into thin air. But we are called to love others and to respect life in all of its forms. Imagine the potential if we all chose to hold life in the utmost regard...

If you are passionate about helping guide others towards life-affirming choices, please visit:

http://www.friendsoflighthouseprc.org/

Project Discipline - 2012

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

- 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

I've done it! I have finally come up with my theme for this year.

A theme? You might ask. Don't you mean a resolution?

To that, I say, "No."

As we are all too well aware, the famed "New Year's Resolution" is a glorified benchmark of which we constantly fall short. Of course the common ones are lose weight, exercise more, manage my household budget more tightly, take on the project of organizing the garage, learn something new, spend more time with friends and family. Most of us have backtracked by the following weekend. A lucky few may make it to the end of January. But by the time the ball drops a year later, none of us can even remember the trumped up promises we made to ourselves to ring in last year.

Fear not -- I am not trying to condemn you for already cheating on your new diet, or for skipping a day at the gym. I am not discouraging you from spending more time with your family and friends, and you should feel empowered to take on your garage as soon as this Saturday. I am just taking a different approach this year.

I intend for this year to revolve around a theme, rather than a rigid goal that I could very well miss. It isn't a lack of ambition, but rather a desire to experience my life more actively, to participate in my own personal growth.

So without further ado...

The theme for this year is Discipline.

Ack! Discipline. It is an intimidating concept and one that we tend to not be all that fond of. If you are close to me, you are likely scoffing at my suggestion that I could live a life characterized by such a rigid word. But I beseech you, let me explain.

The idea came to me this morning, as so many of my strokes of genius do, while I was getting ready for work.

Six weeks ago, Hubs and I decided to take control of what had become some unhealthy eating habits. We'd taken our first year of marriage and enjoyed it to the fullest. We learned that food tastes better when cooked in butter and oil, we indulged in more couch time than gym time, and we embraced date night as often as we could - complete with buttered popcorn and candy. The ride was fun while it lasted, but all good things must come to an end. So on the Monday after Thanksgiving, we reigned it in and began a rigid eating plan aimed at changing our bodies, and more importantly, our habits. Together we have conquered the late night cravings, the stubborn stagnation of weight loss, and the inevitable whining over the dessert menu. But our results have been incredibly gratifying! We have been exercising Discipline and are seeing the fruits of our efforts in tangible ways. In fact, we're both only a few short weeks away from our respective goals.

Similarly, a few weeks ago, I began thinking about my prayer life. I found myself becoming more easily irritated with people around me (loved ones and strangers alike), allowing mole hills to become mountains, and generally having a negative attitude. Something was amiss and had to change. I realized that my praying knees had become lazy. Whether it was forgetting to pray before meals, or waiting until I was too tired to turn my attention to God before bed, I knew I was spending more time lashing out than I was with a bowed head and folded hands. It is remarkable to see how quickly the Enemy takes advantage of those scenarios. Just like the diet, I knew a simple promise or resolution to start being more intentional about my prayer life was simply not enough. I needed some accountability.

So when my small group leaders announced that we would be having a "White Elephant" gift exchange at our Christmas Party, I saw my opportunity. As part of my gift, I promised to pray for the recipient every day in 2012 (a little something I may have borrowed from a Proverbs 31 daily devotional). There was my accountability. I am no longer praying only for myself or those around me, but I have a duty, a moral obligation, a responsibility to pray for someone else. I didn't make myself a promise, but rather another person. Since then, I have been faithful - consciously lifting this individual up in prayer on a daily basis. Of course my prayers do not end with him, but continue into an all out conversation with God. A conversation that begins my day and (hopefully) sustains me throughout it. I have already seen my attitude change and my heart soften {and that is saying something, especially on a Monday}. I am already beginning to exercise patience, soften my responses, and most importantly "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ". I constantly fall short, but I am operating within a framework of Discipline and again, I am seeing results.

I have a long way to go to living a Disciplined, obedient life. But I know I am on the right track. My ambition this year is to root out areas of my life that are lacking Discipline and to do what it takes to address and change them. I am certain that by the time the ball drops next year, I'll have found quite a few of them. And I will probably only have accounted for some. But it is a start. It is a long-term plan to change my heart and the way I live my life as an offering to the One who made me.

What will be your theme this year?