Marriage 101 - Lesson #1: Defiance vs. Disagreement

So we're newlyweds...in other words, we are kids who just promised to love and cherish and keep each other, live together, pray together, one day raise kids together, sacrifice for each other, laugh together, and take on each others' pain -- all without killing each other! Heavy stuff!

6 months in, I can assure you that marriage is an incredible blessing and is filled with a ton of fun, a lot of snuggling, and opportunities to grow and learn nearly every day. The struggles of learning to accept and love your spouse for all of their quirky nuances and shortcomings is as exciting as it is challenging. And while I look at our calendar, realizing how many friends and friends of friends will be embarking on this great adventure in the next few months or years, I feel compelled to share with you some important lessons from newlywed life.

By way of full disclosure, this idea was born out of reading my incredible friend's incredible blog, Redefining Real. I strongly suggest you check it out - she is an inspiring writer with so much to offer. She too is a newlywed and we're enjoying sharing war stories from our first year of marriage.

For all you newlyweds, recently engaged couples, and even longtime married folks, I hope you find some of these lessons useful (and if not, I hope you find the anecdotes amusing!).

Lesson #1: Defiance vs. Disagreement

Learning to share a closet, let alone an entire home, with another human being is a challenge for most people - myself included. My roommates in college can attest to the fact that I was not always the best roommate. I like to do things my way, decorate in my style, watch TV on my time - and I don't always respond well to suggestions that conflict with this approach.

And then I got married...

Implicit in the promises we made to each other is the agreement to learn to accept and, dare I say, adopt, different approaches to the way we do things. We're a team now, which means there will always be more than one idea on the table.

My husband, in his oblivious yet infinite wisdom, latched onto a concept the other day, in the middle of our kitchen, that speaks to the heart of this issue.

For two days running, I had thrown away items of his that he was not quite finished using, largely due to the fact that I just move too quickly. On Saturday, I had used his current Wall Street Journal and his New York Times as a work station outside in the rain while cleaning the grates of our grill with heavy duty oven cleaner. Ooops! The following day, I accidentally threw away his iced coffee, assuming he wasn't going to drink it because the folks at Dunkin Donuts had messed up his order.

In the grand scheme of things, they were minor offenses, but these fumbles fell on the heels of previous instances where I had simply acted with reckless disregard for Hubs' warnings that continuing on my course of action would put me at risk of injuring myself or making a huge mistake. What can I say? I'm an act-before-I-think-push-through-til-it's-done-kinda-girl. Said another way: the complete opposite of my better half!

Upon discovering that I'd thrown out his iced coffee, something just snapped. Though seemingly blowing a minor indiscretion out of proportion, my husband wandered into a much more important discussion. He eloquently insisted that when I explicitly go against his wishes for me to slow down, I'm not merely disagreeing with his opinion or approach, but rather acting with defiance.

Ding, ding, ding. I gotta hand it to the man, he hit the nail right on the head.

Further to his point, he assured me that when we find ourselves at odds on a particular issue, the appropriate response is to stop and make clear my differing point of view.

Ah ha! Defiance vs. Disagreement - mark that down.

I know it seems trivial, but when you're married to someone as stubborn as I am, important nuances such as this take on immense value. I pray all the time to be a supportive member of this team. I want to honor my husband and our marriage through my actions and my words. This snapshot taught me that honoring his wishes and listening to his opinions doesn't imply that I'm giving up my own.

Many women hear the word "defiance" and cringe at the thought of "obeying" their husbands. I for one, with my loud voice and strong convictions, have never felt threatened by the concept of obeying my spouse. I know I'm in a loving partnership that is based on mutual respect. He's holding up his end of the deal, and I need to do the same.

I guess the rule for the road is: LISTEN to your spouse, when his or her opinion differs from yours, rather than just shutting down their suggestions. CONSIDER their position, and finally, STATE your own. Your bound to end up somewhere closer to the same page than you were before.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." - Ephesians 5:21

A Birthday Wish!

Just a little note to wish my loving husband the happiest of birthdays!

Hubs, I love you dearly -- you bring such immense joy to my life and I am so thrilled to be sharing this incredible adventure with you. The love we share is a great blessing and I feel so honored to be your wife.

I wish you all the happiness in the world today and every day.

With all my love, I am faithfully yours,

*Jaclyn

I'm a Princess Too

I admit it -- two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a severe case of Royal Wedding Fever.

Symptoms are said to include:
- Purchasing $100 of Princess paraphernalia for an impromptu early morning office party,
- Drinking mimosas with co-workers in the conference room while awaiting the balcony kiss,
- And waking up at 4:30AM to ensure a front row seat in front of the TV on your treadmill.
- In the most extreme patients, specialists have also witnessed waking up your husband with shrieks of excitement for him to come watch as the bride emerged for the first time.

Treatment can take weeks, or as long as the next news cycle, to take effect.

If you're reading this and have also contracted this horrific condition, please know, you're not alone. If you are a loved one of a survivor, stay strong for them. And finally, if you're my husband, I'm sorry {but not that sorry} for ripping you out of bed like that. You're a sport!

In all seriousness though, it was such a thrill to watch the wedding of Catherine Middleton and Prince William. If you know me, it doesn't take much to realize that the combination of a wedding and real life royalty is right up my alley!

What I couldn't quite understand however, amidst the Royal Wedding hullabaloo, was why our wedding, 6 months earlier, hadn't received the same degree of press coverage. After all, don't they know who I am?!?! Perhaps, I thought, it was the lack of festive headware present at our nuptials. Then I got to thinking....

I was reading a recent devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries {if you're not signed up to receive their daily devotional, I strongly suggest you do!} about the many hats that we, as women, wear on a daily basis. The author astutely observed that oftentimes, as Jesus girls, we tend to wear our crown atop a very high and unstable stack of other hats. She concluded by urging us, each day, to wake up and don our crown, as the daughter of the King, as our very first hat upon which we can then build a stable, multi-faceted collection of hats.

That's when it hit me!

I was finally able to pinpoint the nagging feeling of, dare I say, jealousy, that I felt while watching the Royal Wedding proceedings. It was, undoubtedly, the feeling that no matter how often my husband assures me that I'm his Princess {thank you sweetie!}, I would never really be called a Princess...legally (unless I worked at one of these companies). But, as daughter of the Most High King, I am exactly that - a Princess! You can imagine my excitement at the realization.

Because I am saved by God's grace, I too can wear a crown of victory and share in His glory! What an utterly awe-inspiring, life changing truth. Can I get an Amen!

But, in the words of Peter Parker's grandfather, "with great power comes great responsibility". Just as Princess Catherine will now take on the responsibilities of being a newly minted member of the Royal Family, when we put on that crown as one of God's daughters, we're accepting the responsibilities and promising to live our lives as stewards of what it means to be part of His family. What an awesome (and weighty) call!

So although the paparazzi and onlookers the world over were not waiting, with bated breath, for my gown to be revealed (it was a head-turning gorgeous Vera Wang Luxe by the way), and although I only received one new name upon marrying hubs (as opposed to several, i.e. Her Royal Highness Princess William Arthur Philip Louis, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus) ours was, nevertheless, a Royal Wedding -- the joining in Holy Matrimony of two of the King of Kings' prized children, "heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ". And that, dear friends, is worth celebrating each and every day!

“…that they may have life, and have it to the full”

What does it mean to live life to the fullest?

I suppose you could ask 100 people that question and receive the same number of unique responses.

For some it is to travel, whenever and to wherever they please.
For others it is freedom from responsibility – doing what they want, when they want to.
Still others believe it is the constant pursuit of “fun” in one’s life.
And yet for Christians it is something else entirely.

Each year, Easter brings with it a sense of renewal, a fresh start. It is my equivalent of Chinese New Year. Perhaps it is the feeling of spring in the air after a long, cold winter (especially this year). Perhaps it is the new Easter outfit I always save for that special day (I blame that one on my mother). Or perhaps it is the familiar message you hear in new and different ways each Sunday during the Lenten season as Christians, the world over, prepare their hearts for Easter.

But, the fresh start that Easter brings also carries with it a challenge -- a call to action to embrace the life offered by Christ’s dying and rising again. Throughout Holy Week, we are called to walk with Christ in the days and moments that lead up to His death. We celebrate as He triumphantly entered Jerusalem, welcomed as King. We weep as He is betrayed and cast out by society. We break as His body is beaten and broken. And we breathe a gasping, desperate breath as He is nailed to the cross and encounters death. We are called to go with Him to the cross and suffer with him so that we may also share in the glory of his rising from the dead.

For years, I would sit in Good Friday services and sob at the thought of the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, being tortured and killed. I would sing out and pray as tears would roll down my cheeks. But this year, as I walked with Him on His journey to the cross, I felt my heart pulling me out of that sorrow to set my sights on Sunday morning. Because, on Easter we celebrate victory – His victory over our sin and the death that it brings.

Jesus says, in John 10:10, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” On Easter we celebrate new life and the opportunity to live it to the full, free from the chains of sin that threaten to drag us down.

As the Bible states in Romans 8:16, “The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”*

So this year, as we take our first steps into the fresh start offered by the Easter celebration, I urge you to embrace the full life offered by a relationship with Jesus Christ. We were created to walk closely with Him, to follow in His footsteps and share in His suffering, so that we may also share in His glory. Now that, is living life to the full!

*In response to the challenge made by my brother and sister-in-law’s church, Sojourn, in Louisville, Kentucky, I’ve started memorizing all of Romans 8. I’m more than halfway through. I challenge you to join me in this mission. Let God’s word be the words that fill your mind throughout the day and experience the freedom that comes with focusing on Him, rather than the nagging frustrations and worries that have a tendency to otherwise creep in.

A Year in Review and a Look at the Future

What a difference a year makes...

A new name... a new husband... a new home... a new life...


It's about that time, when all of us become a bit more introspective and reflect on our experiences over the last year and how they have changed us, for better or for worse. We make promises to be better, thinner, or healthier and we draft a laundry list of "to-do's" for the year ahead. Once that ball drops, our slate is wiped clean and we are offered a fresh start.

For most people, the opportunity to start anew is a welcome one. And, if I'm being honest, in the past, I too have felt the magic that the holidays bring and the mystery of the start of a new year.

But, this year.... this year, without a doubt, brings with it some of the most complicated and contradictory feelings of my adult life.

I am thrilled to be a newlywed - thrilled! Hubs and I (note the name change) are settling into married life quite well and are having an absolute blast setting up our new home. It's the stuff of fairytales...truly.

But, in the moments when I am most sincerely honest with myself, there is a sneaking sense of, dare I say, disappointment that 2010 has come to a close.

The end of 2009 was marked by a proposal and a gorgeous diamond ring which catapulted us into a season of planning and excitement. On the Eve of 2010, Hubs and I stole a few moments alone and toasted to the coming year and the thrilling promises it held.

And those promises came true!

2010 was kicked off by engagement parties, dress buying, a new job and wedding planning -- some of life's most exciting experiences! And the intoxicating and blissful feelings never waned over the course of 11 months.

As The Big Day drew near, the mounting anticipation only grew, and finally, it was weeks away.

However, amidst the highest of highs, mid-October brought with it some of life's lowest lows. My grandfather, with whom I've been very close my entire life, suddenly grew incredibly ill and was admitted to the hospital. It was indeed frightening, but it was something we'd experienced before with his various ailments. In the past, we'd been terrified, but he'd always managed to pull through.

I had never envisioned my wedding day without all 4 of my grandparents present. In fact, I'd never experienced any of life's mile markers without them -- birthdays, graduations, dance performances, inductions into the National Honor Society... You name it - there they would be, first on line and saving seats at the very front of the venue.

Naturally, I assumed my wedding day would look much the same as all of these other momentous occasions (but with a much better outfit!) - but I couldn't have been more wrong.

On October 12th, my brother and his beautiful wife welcomed into this world their first child. She is gorgeous, an absolutely breathtaking sight. I became an Aunt for the first time and my parents are now Grandma and Grandpa.

Simultaneously, my grandfather was growing increasingly worse. We recognized the severity of the situation and spent countless hours at his side at the hospital. He even had the chance to video chat with his new great-granddaughter {I'll always be thankful for technology, even if only for that one moment}. But, two days later, on October 14th, with his family around him, my grandfather slipped into a peaceful sleep and never woke up.

In a moment, I went from a glowing bride-to-be to a little girl whose world had been shaken and shattered.

It was a challenge I had not been prepared for - but I am steadfast in my belief that on our wedding day, my grandfather was watching us from the best seat in the house, just as he always was.

So here I am. The holidays were very different this year and it is now 2011. I'm a workaholic by day and a blissfully happy newlywed by night. And do not get me wrong: Married. Life. Rocks. This year may not be about china patterns, centerpieces, and seating arrangements, but I am confident that the future holds promises I've never even considered...

Happy New Year - I wish you all the best in 2011!

Wedding Week -- It's Finally Here!

Somebody pinch me! I just can't believe it... It's Wedding Week!

After 11 months of planning and preparing, we're only days away from this most exciting occasion! It has been quite a ride, but I imagine that was nothing compared to what this week will hold.

Family is arriving at this very moment, friends get in to town over the next few days, the house is in complete disarray, and it looks like Wedding threw up all over the place. {If you've ever been involved in planning a wedding, you're probably thinking that's par for the course.}

Through all of this, I'm trying my very best to remain stable and calm... I'm fairly certain that my friends and family who just read that couldn't help but release a chuckle. But really, I'm challenging myself to remain level-headed and focused on the overarching importance of this moment. I'm just praying constantly that we all take our moments to find peace in the beauty of what it means to celebrate marriage.

Though it is difficult to imagine now, this special event is so much more than breathtaking centerpieces, the perfect dress, or even the venue or the band. We are preparing to vow our lives to each other as we strive to be a symbol of God's love for the world, through our love for each other. It's a critical responsibility and we're proud to be taking it upon ourselves.

So this week amidst final dress fittings, stuffing out of town welcome bags, and mani/pedi appointments, I'll be reminding myself to stop and look around to just see the love that this whole event embodies and thank God for it. Please pray for us this week, and for those of you we'll be seeing this weekend -- we just can't wait to celebrate with you! Thank you for being an important part of this incredible experience!

With Love Always,

Jaclyn

A Weekend of Bridal Bliss and Bachelorette Bonding

What a weekend! I’m not even sure where to begin…and I apologize, in advance, for how long this post will be….

This past weekend turned out to be one of the best in recent history. My Bachelorette Party had been planned months before, and my bridesmaids and friends were working tirelessly to ensure a special weekend for me. Well, they definitely succeeded! Here’s a weekend recap for those who missed it:

Friday Evening:

Friday afternoon, my very generous boss excused me from work early so I would have time for a mani / pedi before going home to get ready for the festivities. After a lovely time at the nail salon, I hurried home to pack. Then three of my friends who had arrived in New York specifically for the party joined me and Tim as we headed out to my parents’ house in New Jersey. We had a lovely dinner with Tim’s parents and mine and then went home to hang out, catch up, and drink a few glasses of wine. Eventually, we all crammed into my room for a high school-style slumber party.

Saturday Morning:

The next morning, I was anxious to get the day rolling. I thought a few more friends would be coming over to hang by the pool and eat lunch before heading into the City for our Girls’ Night Out. I went for a very rewarding run and enjoyed a lovely breakfast with the girls. I was then ushered into the shower and told to throw on comfy clothes so we could run a few errands. My mother, a few days earlier, had mentioned that our florist was doing a wedding at the club by our house and was designing an arrangement similar to what he’d be doing for us and she thought it would be a good idea for me to go over and take a look.

Saturday Afternoon:

We arrived at the club at 11:45am (as we were told we’d need to be out of there by noon) expecting to see the florist, and upon entering the front doors I found myself surrounded by family and friends yelling “Surprise!”

Turns out, this was my Surprise Bridal Shower….so fun!

The room was outfitted in beautiful aquamarine table cloths with crystal centerpieces, and cream hydrangeas. At the front of the room were two massive tables displaying a sea of gifts with a chair placed regally at the center.

As I made my way through the crowd, I grew more and more excited by each new face I encountered. There were neighbors and cousins; college friends I hadn’t seen in years and grandparents. Finally, I turned to my left, and towering over the crowd, I saw my uncle from Australia – he was definitely the biggest surprise of all! Due to the obvious geographic obstacle, we rarely see him and he had flown in and surprised everyone! It was so special to have him and his girlfriend there.

Once the commotion had settled, I was handed a mimosa and told that they had a new dress waiting for me in the ladies’ room. Accompanied by my sister-in-law and my friends (many of whom also had to make costume changes, as they’d left the house in shorts and old t-shirts to throw me off), I made my way to the ladies’ lounge and was zipped into a beautiful ice blue satin party dress complete with jewelry, shoes, and make-up!

The party was fantastic – the food, the champagne, the cake, the presents, and all the shining faces that surrounded me. It was such a special experience.

Once we’d finished what was a tiresome effort of opening, displaying and cataloguing gifts, we made our way back home to relax before our big night.

Saturday Night:

Around 5:30, we all piled into 4 cars and caravanned into Manhattan to the Empire Hotel – across from Lincoln Center. There, in our two bedroom suite, we drank cocktails and got ready to go out, just like we did when we were in college.

We played a game of “I don’t feel sexy without my….” and placed a tiara on my head. From there, we cabbed it downtown to the Lower East Side for dinner, drinks and dancing at The Stanton Social.

The place was bumpin’! We had reserved the back half of the lounge and took over. We indulged in tapas and girly cocktails and had a wonderful time. My mom, ODH’s mom, and my Australian Uncle’s girlfriend even joined us for part of the evening. What a blast!

Sometime after midnight, we returned to the Empire to partake in what has come to be a scandalous tradition in my family. Each girl brought a lingerie gift for me; I then performed a little fashion show, while my friends came up with clever names for each piece. This list of names will be given to ODH before the honeymoon and from simply seeing the titles he’ll choose which pieces I’ll pack for the honeymoon….fun!

Early Sunday Morning:

We rounded out the night by crawling into bed around 3am and waking with cravings for diner food the next day.

All-in-all, I can say that it was one of my most memorable nights out with the girls. It was so special to see my friends, many of whom had never met, all mixing and mingling and getting along. I feel so blessed to have these women in my life and I really couldn’t have imagined a more perfect evening to celebrate the end to my life as a single gal and the exciting step I’m taking into a new chapter of life.

Note: Photos by amanda joy photography