Marriage 101 - Lesson #1: Defiance vs. Disagreement

So we're newlyweds...in other words, we are kids who just promised to love and cherish and keep each other, live together, pray together, one day raise kids together, sacrifice for each other, laugh together, and take on each others' pain -- all without killing each other! Heavy stuff!

6 months in, I can assure you that marriage is an incredible blessing and is filled with a ton of fun, a lot of snuggling, and opportunities to grow and learn nearly every day. The struggles of learning to accept and love your spouse for all of their quirky nuances and shortcomings is as exciting as it is challenging. And while I look at our calendar, realizing how many friends and friends of friends will be embarking on this great adventure in the next few months or years, I feel compelled to share with you some important lessons from newlywed life.

By way of full disclosure, this idea was born out of reading my incredible friend's incredible blog, Redefining Real. I strongly suggest you check it out - she is an inspiring writer with so much to offer. She too is a newlywed and we're enjoying sharing war stories from our first year of marriage.

For all you newlyweds, recently engaged couples, and even longtime married folks, I hope you find some of these lessons useful (and if not, I hope you find the anecdotes amusing!).

Lesson #1: Defiance vs. Disagreement

Learning to share a closet, let alone an entire home, with another human being is a challenge for most people - myself included. My roommates in college can attest to the fact that I was not always the best roommate. I like to do things my way, decorate in my style, watch TV on my time - and I don't always respond well to suggestions that conflict with this approach.

And then I got married...

Implicit in the promises we made to each other is the agreement to learn to accept and, dare I say, adopt, different approaches to the way we do things. We're a team now, which means there will always be more than one idea on the table.

My husband, in his oblivious yet infinite wisdom, latched onto a concept the other day, in the middle of our kitchen, that speaks to the heart of this issue.

For two days running, I had thrown away items of his that he was not quite finished using, largely due to the fact that I just move too quickly. On Saturday, I had used his current Wall Street Journal and his New York Times as a work station outside in the rain while cleaning the grates of our grill with heavy duty oven cleaner. Ooops! The following day, I accidentally threw away his iced coffee, assuming he wasn't going to drink it because the folks at Dunkin Donuts had messed up his order.

In the grand scheme of things, they were minor offenses, but these fumbles fell on the heels of previous instances where I had simply acted with reckless disregard for Hubs' warnings that continuing on my course of action would put me at risk of injuring myself or making a huge mistake. What can I say? I'm an act-before-I-think-push-through-til-it's-done-kinda-girl. Said another way: the complete opposite of my better half!

Upon discovering that I'd thrown out his iced coffee, something just snapped. Though seemingly blowing a minor indiscretion out of proportion, my husband wandered into a much more important discussion. He eloquently insisted that when I explicitly go against his wishes for me to slow down, I'm not merely disagreeing with his opinion or approach, but rather acting with defiance.

Ding, ding, ding. I gotta hand it to the man, he hit the nail right on the head.

Further to his point, he assured me that when we find ourselves at odds on a particular issue, the appropriate response is to stop and make clear my differing point of view.

Ah ha! Defiance vs. Disagreement - mark that down.

I know it seems trivial, but when you're married to someone as stubborn as I am, important nuances such as this take on immense value. I pray all the time to be a supportive member of this team. I want to honor my husband and our marriage through my actions and my words. This snapshot taught me that honoring his wishes and listening to his opinions doesn't imply that I'm giving up my own.

Many women hear the word "defiance" and cringe at the thought of "obeying" their husbands. I for one, with my loud voice and strong convictions, have never felt threatened by the concept of obeying my spouse. I know I'm in a loving partnership that is based on mutual respect. He's holding up his end of the deal, and I need to do the same.

I guess the rule for the road is: LISTEN to your spouse, when his or her opinion differs from yours, rather than just shutting down their suggestions. CONSIDER their position, and finally, STATE your own. Your bound to end up somewhere closer to the same page than you were before.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." - Ephesians 5:21