From time to time, I am struck with an overwhelming sense of selfishness.
There, I said it.
I believe, or at least hope, that for the most part, I am regarded as a generous, self-sacrificing person. I love giving -- of myself, of my time, of my money. But sometimes, the wave I never see coming washes over me and swallows me whole, until I am swimming in an ocean of "Me".
When you get married, you are instructed, if not implored, to think first of your spouse -- always. I once heard that the beauty of marriage is no longer needing to worry about yourself because the other is doing that for you. And in truth, if you are committed to each other, to your relationship and to a loving God, it is really not that difficult...most of the time.
But right now, I need a moment of confession. I've come down with a severe case of the "what-about-me's". A curable condition, no doubt, but one that takes nothing short of a heart transplant to be completely restored.
Big things are happening in our world right now. As if getting married and moving to the 'burbs just nine months ago wasn't big enough, we're now making plans for our future.
Hubs is diligently studying for the GMAT -- an endeavor most definitely not for the faint of heart. He is planning to take his first test next week and will complete another round of studying before taking it again in October (all while still working his very full-time job) and submitting his applications to Business School. He has, quite frankly, been working his tail off since March and words cannot begin to express how impressed I am by my husband.
In the meantime, we're researching MBA programs and envisioning where we may want to spend the next two years. Like I said... big things.
However, amidst the plans we're starting to craft and the dreams we're striving to build, I'm not sure where I fit into the picture...
Of course, I'm the supportive wife -- encouraging when I can, listening when I need to and praying for wisdom in how best to steer my husband when he second-guesses himself. I'm trying to pick up the slack around the house, making sure we have lunch in the fridge, dinner on the table and dishes in the washer before bed. I've halted our summer social plans and made sure the ringer is turned off when he sits down for a practice exam.
But when asked by a dear friend what is going on in my life, my answer is, "well, Hubs is studying for the GMAT and we're working on B-School applications". Which is, needless to say, often met with a quizzical expression. It's just an honest answer. Frankly, there's just not much going on that is about me.
Now, before you jump down my throat and accuse me of being a terrible wife, let me say that I'm fully aware that Hubs and I are a team. What is happening in the life of one, is most definitely relevant, if not at the center, of the life of the other. And I am thrilled at his ambition and the goal that we are both working towards.
However, my confession remains the same, the "what-about-me's" are dragging me down.
Despite my tendency to always at least sound like I have the perfect answer to all of the issues brought up in this tiny cyber world, I have to admit, I'm at a bit of a loss here. I think I've taken big steps in diagnosing the problem and I think I'm more than prepared to say that my heart needs a bit of a recalibration (especially in the times I feel the the pressure to lash out about having to cook AND clean up, or wash AND fold the laundry, or any of the other things that used to be shared responsibilities and have now fallen to me). I'm just not sure where to start...
A few steps to consider...
#1 God's word is definitely a good place to begin. I want to give over my frustrations to the Lord and confess that I've succumbed to the sinful nature of putting myself at the center of the universe (yet again). I noticed the other day that the same friend who asked me what was going on in my life was wearing a bracelet with the words I AM SECOND printed on it. I was floored by the power of the message, especially considering what my heart was grappling with at the time.
I. AM. SECOND.
It helped me re-jigger my "what-about-me" feelings and transform them into "what-about-God" feelings.
#2 Asking for wisdom and guidance to fulfill God's plan never fails. I can't shake the sense that this time in our life -- which, for me, has recently been characterized by boredom or loneliness while Hubs studies -- is an opportunity to pour myself into something. I just don't know what that "something" is and I want to make sure it is "something" heart healthy and in line with God's plans for me.
So where does that leave me?
I guess those two steps are the first in a total heart makeover, as I strive to rejoice in putting myself second, both to God and to my husband.
Check out I am Second and find out more about living for God and for others.
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