Fulfilled

Over the last few years, a discussion has emerged about women "having it all". Anne-Marie Slaughter took a courageous stand on the issue in The Atlantic last summer, President of Barnard College (my alma mater), Debora Spar, answered with her own commentary a few months later. Sheryl Sandberg published her perspective on women in leadership roles in her book Lean In this spring, and most recently, TIME Magazine published a cover story about having it all through "The Childfree Life". 

I am certainly not naive enough to believe that this discussion is in any way new. In fact, since the dawn of time, we have struggled to define the role of women in society. However, I can't help but read all of these pieces and filter this conversation through the lens of a woman's desire to feel fulfilled.

Regardless of our stage in life, each of us desires to be fulfilled. We strive to accomplish this goal in any number of ways. We fill our stomachs with food, our closets with clothes and shoes, our homes with stuff, our heads with knowledge, our resumes with accomplishments, our beds with men, and our wombs with babies. 

The struggle is universal, but often the manifestation is unique.

As I prepare to take my first steps into my new role as a mother, I am confronted with what it means for me to be fulfilled.

My personality is such that I work hard, I am competitive and I seek recognition for my efforts.  I excelled in the classroom because I was driven by the goal of consistently getting great grades. I competed in dance with the ambition to hold a trophy over my head. I go above and beyond at work with the hope of saving the occasional email of congratulations with all “the right people” copied on it.  But in motherhood, there are no awards, no bosses to cc and no promotions to earn. I will have to learn a new way of benchmarking myself altogether.

Honestly, that scares me.

I’ve witnessed mothers who mark their successes by their children’s achievements. I am embarrassed to admit it, but if not watched carefully, mine is a personality that can easily take that opportunity and run with it.

I have also witnessed mothers who humbly step into this role without the expectation of recognition and with no desire for competition. These women recognize that no amount of mothering will establish their self worth, but rather, their being a child of God is the only thing that can define them. That is the kind of mother I want to be. That is the kind of faith I want to portray for my children.

I used to focus so heavily on the idea that I want my children to be proud of me, to think I am impressive. But as the day grows nearer that my son will enter this world, more than anything, I want him to see my faith and obedience to Christ as something to emulate and find for himself.

I may never stop trying to have a closet full of nice shoes and clothes, but I can wake every day comforted by the knowledge that the only thing in this world that can fill the empty places in my heart are my God. We were created to dwell in Him and allow Him to dwell in us. That is the kind of fulfilled I am striving to be.