Marriage 101 - Lesson #3: A Case of the "What-About-Me's"?

From time to time, I am struck with an overwhelming sense of selfishness.
There, I said it.

I believe, or at least hope, that for the most part, I am regarded as a generous, self-sacrificing person. I love giving -- of myself, of my time, of my money. But sometimes, the wave I never see coming washes over me and swallows me whole, until I am swimming in an ocean of "Me".

When you get married, you are instructed, if not implored, to think first of your spouse -- always. I once heard that the beauty of marriage is no longer needing to worry about yourself because the other is doing that for you. And in truth, if you are committed to each other, to your relationship and to a loving God, it is really not that difficult...most of the time.

But right now, I need a moment of confession. I've come down with a severe case of the "what-about-me's". A curable condition, no doubt, but one that takes nothing short of a heart transplant to be completely restored.

Big things are happening in our world right now. As if getting married and moving to the 'burbs just nine months ago wasn't big enough, we're now making plans for our future.

Hubs is diligently studying for the GMAT -- an endeavor most definitely not for the faint of heart. He is planning to take his first test next week and will complete another round of studying before taking it again in October (all while still working his very full-time job) and submitting his applications to Business School. He has, quite frankly, been working his tail off since March and words cannot begin to express how impressed I am by my husband.

In the meantime, we're researching MBA programs and envisioning where we may want to spend the next two years. Like I said... big things.

However, amidst the plans we're starting to craft and the dreams we're striving to build, I'm not sure where I fit into the picture...

Of course, I'm the supportive wife -- encouraging when I can, listening when I need to and praying for wisdom in how best to steer my husband when he second-guesses himself. I'm trying to pick up the slack around the house, making sure we have lunch in the fridge, dinner on the table and dishes in the washer before bed. I've halted our summer social plans and made sure the ringer is turned off when he sits down for a practice exam.

But when asked by a dear friend what is going on in my life, my answer is, "well, Hubs is studying for the GMAT and we're working on B-School applications". Which is, needless to say, often met with a quizzical expression. It's just an honest answer. Frankly, there's just not much going on that is about me.

Now, before you jump down my throat and accuse me of being a terrible wife, let me say that I'm fully aware that Hubs and I are a team. What is happening in the life of one, is most definitely relevant, if not at the center, of the life of the other. And I am thrilled at his ambition and the goal that we are both working towards.

However, my confession remains the same, the "what-about-me's" are dragging me down.

Despite my tendency to always at least sound like I have the perfect answer to all of the issues brought up in this tiny cyber world, I have to admit, I'm at a bit of a loss here. I think I've taken big steps in diagnosing the problem and I think I'm more than prepared to say that my heart needs a bit of a recalibration (especially in the times I feel the the pressure to lash out about having to cook AND clean up, or wash AND fold the laundry, or any of the other things that used to be shared responsibilities and have now fallen to me). I'm just not sure where to start...

A few steps to consider...
#1 God's word is definitely a good place to begin. I want to give over my frustrations to the Lord and confess that I've succumbed to the sinful nature of putting myself at the center of the universe (yet again). I noticed the other day that the same friend who asked me what was going on in my life was wearing a bracelet with the words I AM SECOND printed on it. I was floored by the power of the message, especially considering what my heart was grappling with at the time.

I. AM. SECOND.

It helped me re-jigger my "what-about-me" feelings and transform them into "what-about-God" feelings.

#2 Asking for wisdom and guidance to fulfill God's plan never fails. I can't shake the sense that this time in our life -- which, for me, has recently been characterized by boredom or loneliness while Hubs studies -- is an opportunity to pour myself into something. I just don't know what that "something" is and I want to make sure it is "something" heart healthy and in line with God's plans for me.

So where does that leave me?

I guess those two steps are the first in a total heart makeover, as I strive to rejoice in putting myself second, both to God and to my husband.

Check out I am Second and find out more about living for God and for others.

Coming to Terms with Your Dreams

"...the real question is, 'what do you want to be when you grow up'?"

I sat there - the woman who always has something to say, always has an answer - completely dumbfounded, speechless for perhaps the first time in my life. When I didn't immediately offer a response, he rephrased, "I mean, in 10 years, what do you see yourself doing?" Still, no answer came.

These are the kinds of questions for which I've always had the answer. I'm "Type A", a good student, a hard worker, the recipient of an Ivy League degree, and a woman with an unrelenting competitiveness that permeates everything I do. I'm also a planner, committed to being 5 steps ahead at all times. Like I said, these are the kinds of questions for which I always have an answer.

As I sat, a deer in the headlights, across from a man for whom I have great personal and professional respect and from whom I was seeking advice, I felt the burning flame of my embarrassment crawl across my face. {I'm a terrible poker player, not because my eyes or my movements give me away, but because my rosy cheeks are a tell-tale sign of self-consciousness or discomfort}. I searched for an escape, a way out of answering the probing question.

After another anticipatory moment of silence, he smiled and instructed me that I had a homework assignment. "Come back in two weeks (!) and give me an answer", he stated plainly. "Great", I thought sarcastically, "two weeks to chart a course for the rest of my life. Sure, no problem!"

As the conversation wrapped up, I felt a strange nagging sensation that in fact, I do have an answer to the question so often reserved for kindergartners learning for the first time of the power that their youth and their dreams hold. Perhaps I know exactly what I want to be "when I grow up", so to speak... perhaps I was just too ashamed to admit it.

I spent the afternoon and the next few days considering both the question and that nagging feeling. Why, if as young children we're told we can be anything we dream of being, anything we set our minds to, should I ever feel ashamed of proclaiming those dreams? Why, in a moment of pure honesty, couldn't I admit that the dreams I once had for myself have changed, and indeed changed again?

I once dreamed of being a performer -- I wanted to be a Broadway star, or a recording artist -- anyone who could sell out enormous theatres and perform in front of thousands of people. {In my most stripped-down, honest moments, I still do}.

When I decided to go to Barnard and pursue a college education and a major in Economic History, I began dreaming of becoming a corporate executive, a high-powered career woman in finance.

I began working, met Hubs, and started to build a life comprised of so many rewarding facets I'd never even considered before. And once again, my dream changed.

So what do I want to be when I grow up?

I want to be a Godly woman, a supportive wife, a loving mother of as many kids as God will grant me. I want to sing in the praise team on Sunday mornings and read bedtime stories at night. I want to own a dance studio committed to discipline and excellence in the art of dance and teach young girls the importance of realizing their self-worth.

Maybe I'll never walk the red carpet at the Oscars or grace the big stage on Broadway. Maybe I'll never win a Grammy or run a multi-national corporation. But I plan to run as hard and as fast as I can after those goals. And I pray I leave behind a legacy of love, hard work, artistry and compassion as I do.

So next week, when I walk back into that man's office to turn in my "homework assignment", I may not be as poetic in my explanation, but I pray that I can report proudly on my dreams with confidence and conviction.

What about you? What do you want to be when you grow up?

Marriage 101 - Lesson #2: Sharing (Part I)

And so we continue the lessons.... this one, I can tell you, will likely be a multi-parter, as I haven't quite got it down pat yet.

Sharing. What a fascinating concept - especially in marriage.

First things first, I must make a confession -- I am not great at sharing.
{I hear the low chuckle of my friends and family who are reading this}.

I'm just not though; and frankly, I think it is a simple case of lacking experience. In my life, I never shared a bedroom with a sibling, a closet, not even so much as a bathroom. Even in the cramped living quarters of college life and the years thereafter, I managed to weasel my way into having private, personal space that was all my own -- and let me tell you, that is no easy task in a forced triple dorm room in New York City.

Again, if I'm being honest, I'll admit that these steps were taken deliberately and with a great deal of care. In fact, before starting my freshman year at Barnard, I moved in a full day earlier than the rest of my floor, to ensure that I'd have my pick of space.
Et voila! I arrived at my sorry excuse for a dorm room (it was truly an attic space with dormers and only one window the size of a small flat screen TV) and quickly realized that the layout allowed for two beds on one side of the room and a third on the other. The lone third bed also enjoyed prime proximity to the closet space. Decision made.
And so I set to work making my new bed and finding acceptable homes for my (many) belongings and clothes.

It continued in that way for the remaining three years and then on into my post-college NYC apartments. I always managed to find myself with plenty of private space to call my own.

Now, before I go any farther, I want to make it clear that while I'm challenged in the sharing department, I more than make up for it in giving (and receiving). I. AM. A. GIVER. -- I give gifts (a lot of gifts), I give time, energy, opinions, money -- you name it, I give it. That said, I give with the clear understanding that those who are on the receiving end now have ownership over whatever it is I gave. I give it and it is now yours.

In much the same way, when I receive anything, I do so under the assumption that it is then mine.

Give - receive. Easy peasy.

And once again I say.... and then I got married...

My oh my the things you share in a marriage! Frankly, the sharing of the spiritual, emotional, and mental components of our marriage is enjoyable and challenging. I welcome opportunities to share in Hubs' frustrations, joys, and accomplishments. Where I get tripped up though, is in the sharing of physical objects and of course, space.

Exhibit A -- The Closet
In my 25 years of life I have accumulated an impressive (and alarming) amount of stuff. That's all it is - stuff. Clothes, shoes, books, bags. makeup, hair products, electronics, accessories -- there is literally a ton of it. Fortunately, for the first time since I moved away from home, I live in a house that is more than capable of accommodating all of it.

We have more closets than I could have hoped for and entire rooms begging to be filled with objects. However, there are a few things I insist on keeping close by. (1) All of my bathroom products; (2) My clothes, shoes and bags. In the 6 months that we've lived in this home, I've done my best to draw an invisible line between my side of the closet and Hubs'. Sometimes though -- like last week -- my items encroach on and even breach that line. "Commandeering space" as Hubs says. I'm a regular old Closet Pirate {arrgghhh}.

It isn't that I don't understand his need for closet space, it is just that I have more items for which to find a home. When he's not using the space allotted to him, I subconsciously take it as an invitation to fill it with my own belongings. Bad mistake. See the line. Respect the line.

Exhibit B -- Our new iPad
The other day, we broke down, sold out, and joined the future - we marched into the Apple Store and 30 minutes later walked out with a brand new iPad.

For a girl who longs for the days of her LG flip phone, this was a big step. I'm still not 100% sure how I'm going to make use of this newfangled gadget that everyone seems so enamored with, but I'm pretty certain I'm going to die trying to figure that out.

The challenge here though, is that you'll note I said we walked out with A new iPad - as in one. A new toy and a new lesson to be learned.
It has been three days and we're off to a rocky start. I want to spend time losing shamelessly at "Words with Friends" while Hubs can't tear himself away from "Angry Birds". And, since our limited knowledge of its functionality doesn't extend too far past those two Apps, we're trying to sort out how best to split the time evenly, while still managing to make time for each other.

As I said, it has been three days and tonight I even went so far as to say "it looks like we're either going to need to get me my own, or we should just return this one now". Sharing.Fail.

Stay tuned...

Marriage 101 - Lesson #1: Defiance vs. Disagreement

So we're newlyweds...in other words, we are kids who just promised to love and cherish and keep each other, live together, pray together, one day raise kids together, sacrifice for each other, laugh together, and take on each others' pain -- all without killing each other! Heavy stuff!

6 months in, I can assure you that marriage is an incredible blessing and is filled with a ton of fun, a lot of snuggling, and opportunities to grow and learn nearly every day. The struggles of learning to accept and love your spouse for all of their quirky nuances and shortcomings is as exciting as it is challenging. And while I look at our calendar, realizing how many friends and friends of friends will be embarking on this great adventure in the next few months or years, I feel compelled to share with you some important lessons from newlywed life.

By way of full disclosure, this idea was born out of reading my incredible friend's incredible blog, Redefining Real. I strongly suggest you check it out - she is an inspiring writer with so much to offer. She too is a newlywed and we're enjoying sharing war stories from our first year of marriage.

For all you newlyweds, recently engaged couples, and even longtime married folks, I hope you find some of these lessons useful (and if not, I hope you find the anecdotes amusing!).

Lesson #1: Defiance vs. Disagreement

Learning to share a closet, let alone an entire home, with another human being is a challenge for most people - myself included. My roommates in college can attest to the fact that I was not always the best roommate. I like to do things my way, decorate in my style, watch TV on my time - and I don't always respond well to suggestions that conflict with this approach.

And then I got married...

Implicit in the promises we made to each other is the agreement to learn to accept and, dare I say, adopt, different approaches to the way we do things. We're a team now, which means there will always be more than one idea on the table.

My husband, in his oblivious yet infinite wisdom, latched onto a concept the other day, in the middle of our kitchen, that speaks to the heart of this issue.

For two days running, I had thrown away items of his that he was not quite finished using, largely due to the fact that I just move too quickly. On Saturday, I had used his current Wall Street Journal and his New York Times as a work station outside in the rain while cleaning the grates of our grill with heavy duty oven cleaner. Ooops! The following day, I accidentally threw away his iced coffee, assuming he wasn't going to drink it because the folks at Dunkin Donuts had messed up his order.

In the grand scheme of things, they were minor offenses, but these fumbles fell on the heels of previous instances where I had simply acted with reckless disregard for Hubs' warnings that continuing on my course of action would put me at risk of injuring myself or making a huge mistake. What can I say? I'm an act-before-I-think-push-through-til-it's-done-kinda-girl. Said another way: the complete opposite of my better half!

Upon discovering that I'd thrown out his iced coffee, something just snapped. Though seemingly blowing a minor indiscretion out of proportion, my husband wandered into a much more important discussion. He eloquently insisted that when I explicitly go against his wishes for me to slow down, I'm not merely disagreeing with his opinion or approach, but rather acting with defiance.

Ding, ding, ding. I gotta hand it to the man, he hit the nail right on the head.

Further to his point, he assured me that when we find ourselves at odds on a particular issue, the appropriate response is to stop and make clear my differing point of view.

Ah ha! Defiance vs. Disagreement - mark that down.

I know it seems trivial, but when you're married to someone as stubborn as I am, important nuances such as this take on immense value. I pray all the time to be a supportive member of this team. I want to honor my husband and our marriage through my actions and my words. This snapshot taught me that honoring his wishes and listening to his opinions doesn't imply that I'm giving up my own.

Many women hear the word "defiance" and cringe at the thought of "obeying" their husbands. I for one, with my loud voice and strong convictions, have never felt threatened by the concept of obeying my spouse. I know I'm in a loving partnership that is based on mutual respect. He's holding up his end of the deal, and I need to do the same.

I guess the rule for the road is: LISTEN to your spouse, when his or her opinion differs from yours, rather than just shutting down their suggestions. CONSIDER their position, and finally, STATE your own. Your bound to end up somewhere closer to the same page than you were before.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." - Ephesians 5:21

A Birthday Wish!

Just a little note to wish my loving husband the happiest of birthdays!

Hubs, I love you dearly -- you bring such immense joy to my life and I am so thrilled to be sharing this incredible adventure with you. The love we share is a great blessing and I feel so honored to be your wife.

I wish you all the happiness in the world today and every day.

With all my love, I am faithfully yours,

*Jaclyn

I'm a Princess Too

I admit it -- two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a severe case of Royal Wedding Fever.

Symptoms are said to include:
- Purchasing $100 of Princess paraphernalia for an impromptu early morning office party,
- Drinking mimosas with co-workers in the conference room while awaiting the balcony kiss,
- And waking up at 4:30AM to ensure a front row seat in front of the TV on your treadmill.
- In the most extreme patients, specialists have also witnessed waking up your husband with shrieks of excitement for him to come watch as the bride emerged for the first time.

Treatment can take weeks, or as long as the next news cycle, to take effect.

If you're reading this and have also contracted this horrific condition, please know, you're not alone. If you are a loved one of a survivor, stay strong for them. And finally, if you're my husband, I'm sorry {but not that sorry} for ripping you out of bed like that. You're a sport!

In all seriousness though, it was such a thrill to watch the wedding of Catherine Middleton and Prince William. If you know me, it doesn't take much to realize that the combination of a wedding and real life royalty is right up my alley!

What I couldn't quite understand however, amidst the Royal Wedding hullabaloo, was why our wedding, 6 months earlier, hadn't received the same degree of press coverage. After all, don't they know who I am?!?! Perhaps, I thought, it was the lack of festive headware present at our nuptials. Then I got to thinking....

I was reading a recent devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries {if you're not signed up to receive their daily devotional, I strongly suggest you do!} about the many hats that we, as women, wear on a daily basis. The author astutely observed that oftentimes, as Jesus girls, we tend to wear our crown atop a very high and unstable stack of other hats. She concluded by urging us, each day, to wake up and don our crown, as the daughter of the King, as our very first hat upon which we can then build a stable, multi-faceted collection of hats.

That's when it hit me!

I was finally able to pinpoint the nagging feeling of, dare I say, jealousy, that I felt while watching the Royal Wedding proceedings. It was, undoubtedly, the feeling that no matter how often my husband assures me that I'm his Princess {thank you sweetie!}, I would never really be called a Princess...legally (unless I worked at one of these companies). But, as daughter of the Most High King, I am exactly that - a Princess! You can imagine my excitement at the realization.

Because I am saved by God's grace, I too can wear a crown of victory and share in His glory! What an utterly awe-inspiring, life changing truth. Can I get an Amen!

But, in the words of Peter Parker's grandfather, "with great power comes great responsibility". Just as Princess Catherine will now take on the responsibilities of being a newly minted member of the Royal Family, when we put on that crown as one of God's daughters, we're accepting the responsibilities and promising to live our lives as stewards of what it means to be part of His family. What an awesome (and weighty) call!

So although the paparazzi and onlookers the world over were not waiting, with bated breath, for my gown to be revealed (it was a head-turning gorgeous Vera Wang Luxe by the way), and although I only received one new name upon marrying hubs (as opposed to several, i.e. Her Royal Highness Princess William Arthur Philip Louis, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus) ours was, nevertheless, a Royal Wedding -- the joining in Holy Matrimony of two of the King of Kings' prized children, "heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ". And that, dear friends, is worth celebrating each and every day!

“…that they may have life, and have it to the full”

What does it mean to live life to the fullest?

I suppose you could ask 100 people that question and receive the same number of unique responses.

For some it is to travel, whenever and to wherever they please.
For others it is freedom from responsibility – doing what they want, when they want to.
Still others believe it is the constant pursuit of “fun” in one’s life.
And yet for Christians it is something else entirely.

Each year, Easter brings with it a sense of renewal, a fresh start. It is my equivalent of Chinese New Year. Perhaps it is the feeling of spring in the air after a long, cold winter (especially this year). Perhaps it is the new Easter outfit I always save for that special day (I blame that one on my mother). Or perhaps it is the familiar message you hear in new and different ways each Sunday during the Lenten season as Christians, the world over, prepare their hearts for Easter.

But, the fresh start that Easter brings also carries with it a challenge -- a call to action to embrace the life offered by Christ’s dying and rising again. Throughout Holy Week, we are called to walk with Christ in the days and moments that lead up to His death. We celebrate as He triumphantly entered Jerusalem, welcomed as King. We weep as He is betrayed and cast out by society. We break as His body is beaten and broken. And we breathe a gasping, desperate breath as He is nailed to the cross and encounters death. We are called to go with Him to the cross and suffer with him so that we may also share in the glory of his rising from the dead.

For years, I would sit in Good Friday services and sob at the thought of the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, being tortured and killed. I would sing out and pray as tears would roll down my cheeks. But this year, as I walked with Him on His journey to the cross, I felt my heart pulling me out of that sorrow to set my sights on Sunday morning. Because, on Easter we celebrate victory – His victory over our sin and the death that it brings.

Jesus says, in John 10:10, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” On Easter we celebrate new life and the opportunity to live it to the full, free from the chains of sin that threaten to drag us down.

As the Bible states in Romans 8:16, “The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”*

So this year, as we take our first steps into the fresh start offered by the Easter celebration, I urge you to embrace the full life offered by a relationship with Jesus Christ. We were created to walk closely with Him, to follow in His footsteps and share in His suffering, so that we may also share in His glory. Now that, is living life to the full!

*In response to the challenge made by my brother and sister-in-law’s church, Sojourn, in Louisville, Kentucky, I’ve started memorizing all of Romans 8. I’m more than halfway through. I challenge you to join me in this mission. Let God’s word be the words that fill your mind throughout the day and experience the freedom that comes with focusing on Him, rather than the nagging frustrations and worries that have a tendency to otherwise creep in.